Ambrose Bierce

"Absurdity, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion. "

"Acquaintance, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. "

"Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. "

"Barometer, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having. "

"Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen. "

"Brain an apparatus with which we think we think. "

"Cabbage A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head. "

"Calamities are of two kinds misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others. "

"Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum "

"Faith Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel. "

"In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office. "

"Painting The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic. "

"Patience, n. A minor form of dispair, disguised as a virtue. "

"Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy. "

"Politics, n. Strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. "

"Pray To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. "

"Quotation, n The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. "

"The covers of this book are too far apart. "

"The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling. "

"There is nothing new under the sun but there are lots of old things we don't know. "

"To be positive To be mistaken at the top of one's voice. "