Erma Bombeck

"... it's simply wrong to always order kids to stop that fighting. There are times when one child is simply defending his rights and damned well should be fighting. "

"A child develops individuality long before he develops taste. I have seen my kid straggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory an empty gin bottle. "

"Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead. "

"Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one Helen Keller is the other. "

"I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food. "

"If a man watches three football games in a row he should be declared legally dead. "

"If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it. "

"In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet. "

"It is fast approaching the point where I don't want to elect anyone stupid enough to want the job. "

"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. "

"Parenting is a negative thing. Keep your children from killing themselves, or anyone else, and hope for the best. "

"People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. "

"There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, 'Yes, I've got dreams, of course I've got dreams.' Then they put the box away and bring it out once in awhile to look in it, and yep, they're still there. These are great dreams, but they never even get out of the box. It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line, to hold them up and say, 'How good or how bad am I' That's where courage comes in. "

"We've got a generation now who were born with semiequality. They don't know how it was before, so they think, this isn't too bad. We're working. We have our attache' cases and our three piece suits. I get very disgusted with the younger generation of women. We had a torch to pass, and they are just sitting there. They don't realize it can be taken away. Things are going to have to get worse before they join in fighting the battle. "

"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, I used everything you gave me. "

"When humor goes, there goes civilization. "