Groucho Marx

"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. "

"Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough. "

"Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped. "

"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. "

"Go, and never darken my towels again. "

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. "

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. "

"I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER. "

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. "

"It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy. "

"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. "

"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. "

"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy. "

"My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one. "

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. "

"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. "

"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others. "

"Women should be obscene and not heard. "