Henny Youngman

"I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. "

"I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. "

"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. "

"If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning,....sleep late. "

"My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. "

"My wife is a light eater ... as soon as it's light, she starts to eat. "

"When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. "

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. "