Wilson Mizner

"A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions. "

"A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while he gets to know something. "

"Always be nice to people on the way up because you'll meet the same people on the way down. "

"God help those who do not help themselves. "

"I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education. "

"Life's a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest. "

"Money is the only substance which can keep a cold world from nicknaming a citizen 'Hey, you' "

"The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away. "

"The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep. "

"The worst-tempered people I've ever met were the people who knew they were wrong. "

"Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up. "

"To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady. "

"When you take stuff from one writer it's plagiarism but when you take it from many writers, it's research. "